Episode 1: Early Assfuzz, Morman Peen & What's a Pace?

The Probst-buzz behind Season 18 has been that it's one of the best ever...and, perhaps surprising to non-Survivor addicts, this isn't something Probst dusts off and declares before the start of each new season.

"It's the most likable cast we've ever had," his dimply magnificence said in one of his videos, "...but Sandy, she's old, and unfortunately, she'll be voted off quick..."

Sandy is old. Fifty...nine..ty something. And a little psychotic. Which is always good for Survivor. And her unexpected bug-eyes only seem to sharpen the nervous discomfort I was already getting whenever she was on the screen. She's like a mix between Ruth Buzzi and Mr. Bug-Eye...

  +    

= We have a pretty good idea what the offspring would look like...

Within 60 seconds of getting booted off the Dragoman, Probst springs the first non-fuzz surprise of the season on the gang: vote out one person on each tribe. 

Brutal. But it's not a surprise that "old" and "weak" are the two perceived qualities that are quickly targeted. Sandy is a near unanimous selection, and from the Timbira tribe, waify, amorphous, sickly, stick-like, grating, stripy, fecund, troglodytish (but still kind of hot - let's be fair) Sierra is chosen. 

"I'M PISSED!" Psycho Sandy proclaims (a statement, and nickname, the students on her bus are used to hearing...and decreeing...).

"i have strep throat and i've had a 102 fever for the past two days and i'm barely coherent and if that's what you guys want to do then that's not really fair..." Sierra whines.

How Sierra perceives herself as she computes her predicament...

But relax ladies! It's just His Probstness twisting your nips: you're not booted, you've just been selected to be helicoptered directly to camp rather than walk all day in 120 degree heat. Let the hilarity begin!

And begin it does - in the shape of Stephen's boney, UNfuzzed ass - which is out there for the entire world to see after a mishap with some of the supplies. "A gift for the ladies back home," he smarmily recites to the cameras...

The ladies back home

Sandy is overwhelmed with emotion once at camp. She can barely keep it together as she alternates among weepiness, paranoia and vitriolic anger...but she does compose herself long enough to shake with glee upon finding a clue just for her. And - surprising even me - she even makes the correct decision between searching for an immunity idol and helping the tribe out by building a shelter: she looks out for #1 (literally - did you see that gigantic wet spot on her rear end?)... 

Meanwhile, Sierra finds the same note and reacts the exact way someone who is proactively seeking to redeem them self with their new tribe... "PFFFFFFT!!!" 

Did Courtney - the waify waitress from a Survivor China - suddenly get reincarnated?

By the time the tribes arrive, Sandy hasn't found squat and hasn't done shid, while Sierra has built an enormous house-of-cards shack...not quite sure which tactic will pay off in the end yet... 

At one point the next day, Sandy, under the guise of going #1, leaves to look out for #1, and finds the first clue. "It's under a stick," the clue proclaims, and as Sandy rushes to the single stick standing upright out of the empty, expansive beach, she begins weeping again - astounded at her uncanny ability to find the idol. 

However...it's only another clue: "Go ten paces toward the lone palm tree..." it tells her...

"What's a palm tree," she asks. "And...what's a pace?" 

               

Nope...not a pace

Loofah.

Now, in addition to the growing wet spot on her pants and a pink shirt that already is so soiled and grimy it looks like she's been living in the wild for 39 days, Sandy has no idea what a pace is. 

I suddenly realize: I'm going to love this season. 

My enlightenment is soon followed by the absolutely ironclad, glorious foreshadowing that promises a great season more than any other predilection: the first episode fuzz. Let's thank our resident waif for wearing a halter top pulled down to (barely) conceal her taint...inevitably leading to numerous pixelated assfuzz. 

You know, sometimes you just don't realize you're missing something in life until it just slaps you right in the face (or the corneas...as it may be).

OK, OK, technically, you girls get the first fuzz when Tyson gets all nuded up and goes swimming with the ladies. But c'mon, technically Mormon peen doesn't count. Check the rulebook.

After Timbira pulls away with a victory, Jalapao can't decide what to do...until Carolina can't keep her mouth shut five minutes after returning from the challenge.

And...booted.

That one hurts. Not just because it's a blindside. Not just because she grew up poor and homeless in Panama. And no, not just because she had a good attitude...or that she's totally hot and I picked her to win it all.

Well, maybe the last two. 

OK, maybe more the former...

"With every failure comes an opportunity for growth," Carolina states in defiance to her destiny. 

Carolina, unfortunately my growth opportunities just shrank into somber flaccidness. 

Until next time...

PB