The "brilliance" of the Love Boat was that no matter how much it sucked, which was an extraordinary amount, the writers consistently embraced the lowest common denominator at the precise nadir by predictably tossing in a coochie-coochie-ing Charo for one important reason: big boobs.
OK OK, really two reasons...
And god bless the Survivor producers for embracing the Charo Factor themselves when the story line starts getting bogged down from a lack of drama, inane mundaneness, and...too much clothing.
For example...
imagine Isaac 
and Doc...
and Doc... They somehow manage to get in the middle of a difficult marital problem between young studmonster Greg Brady and the ultimate cougar: Mrs. Garrett from The Facts of Life.
+ 
= hot sex.Greg and Mrs. G appear to have fallen out of love with each other (due to Mrs. G's sex addiction), and now out on the shimmering waters of the Pacific Ocean, Mrs. G has been more than receptive to the oh-so-subtle come-ons of fellow passenger JJ Walker.
Intriguing concept? Without a doubt.
However, it was Love Boat's execution that was always the problem, not the concept. So after a few bad jokes from Isaac while he mans the Fiesta Deck bar and Doc's unsuccessful, sexual innuendo-laden Rx's, you look at the clock and realize the show is winding down - hey, how are they going to tie this up in time?
Enter Charo's boobs.
"Coochie-coochie!"
...and suddenly, seemlessly, unselfishly, after a few jiggly, accented coochies, all is at peace with the world again. With five minutes left until Fantasy Island begins, Greg and Mrs. G are locked in a passionate, saliva-laden kiss on the Lido Deck while JJ winks knowingly and walks off with a harem of bikini-clad white chicks.
Sigh. The world was truly a simpler, and more honest, place on the Love Boat.
But thankfully, Survivor has clearly learned from the masters. In an episode in which we spend the first ten minutes eating termites, trying to start a fire, and (still) digging for the hidden idol, I am nearly drifting off into...zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.
Then suddenly, unexpectedly, domineeringly: boobs.
The Charo Factor saves the day. Candace's life-buoys get everything re-centered, and the clouds part from my mind like a brilliant sunrise cresting between two gigantic, perfectly proportionate chocolate mountains.
I am paying/at full attention again.
This is a quintessentially important tactic when the most interesting thing in the first half of the show is Taj's disclosure that she's married to some NFL player and Coach butters up future soccer recruiting classes by disclosing that it's his "job" to find faults in everyone.
Boring. So bring on the immunity challenge: a wet, physical, nudity-laden event worthy of the most diligent CBS sensors. One by one bathing suits get ripped away and a unending stream of fuzzed-out privates sets 'em up and knocks 'em down:
- Candice (courtesy of a breeze)
- Erinn (courtesy of Sandy)
- Candice (courtesy of the rain)
- Sierra (courtesy of Taj)
- Candice (courtesy of forward momentum)
- Tyson (courtesy of his buff loincloth)
- Candice (courtesy of agitated protons)
- Candice (courtesy of a jostled nucleus)
- Candice... (courtesy of the power of thought)
Whew...I actually had to mop my brow and smoke a cigarette after that display...
Who would have thought that a painted on, rip-away blue bikini, six sizes too small for those overfilled, freezer-sized, saline zipock bags, could be so easily removed?
CBS.
Love...exciting and new...come aboard...we're expecting you!
Within all that pixelation, it's actually quite a phenomenal contest with the score tied 2-2 and a nail-biter for the winning basket. Taj (living up to her high school nickname "Mahal") takes the ball and, like a ruthless linebacker, plows down the field tossing her opponents to each side like roadkill carcasses. A few dramatic close misses interspersed with all that nudity...and Jalapao gets the final basket and the immunity idol.
Things settle down again after the commercial break, and we are left with twenty minutes of slow maneuvering in which the Timbira tribe attempts to definitively set their pecking order for the first time prior to Tribal Council.
Candace is pitching for Coach to get booted, and Erinn is on board. But penultimate cheerleader Debbie heads right to Coach to spill the beans and Coach is furious, changing his Sierra vote to "Cancer" Candace. Who will be able to get the rest of the tribe on their side?
At Exile Sand Dune, Brendan (who was sent there) and Taj Mahal (who Brendan chose to accompany him) are presented with a clue for another hidden immunity - or perhaps two: one at each camp. The two bond when Taj reveals that she hasn't connected with anyone else on her tribe and we are left to wonder if this connection will somehow play into the game sometime in the future as she rubs Brendan's arm and cuddles up next to him...
Love...won't hurt anymore...it's an open smile...on a friendly shore!
Meanwhile, at the winning Jalapao tribe, JT and Steven are out on a date, fishing...bonding...longing...sparks flying... "He's Tom Sawyer and I'm the angsty city boy," gushes Steven. "He's wooing me with his country ways...and I'm smitten!"
The Love Boat...promises something for everyone!
Set a course for adventure your mind on a new romance...
At Tribal Council, it appears to be between annoying, but integrally important Candace, and annoying, but integrally annoying Sierra. Sierra, with her droopy, half-closed, Drew Barrymoresque eyes and sullen complexion is either severely depressed...or strung out on heroin. Either way, we the viewers win. But in the end it's the Charo Factor who gets the ax - unanimously, no less.
That's two Charo Factors in a row booted: Carolina and Candace. That's a dangerous game to play, CBS. Who's going to pick up the Charo-slack now?
Don't fret...have faith in CBS, and...
Welcome aboard it's LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!
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