Episode 5: Gulp 'n Blow

It was a rough day today.

A day that demands I gulp some beer, and blow off some steam...

Work was nothing less than agonizing (merger crap that I'm immersed in), I was distracted for two critical minutes while eating breakfast and my frosted mini wheats became soggy (it's always a race against time for maximum pleasure), and, to start it all off, an unfortunate front lawn on my run this morning was brutally victimized by my...sudden demanding biorhythm (it's safe to say it was a tough day for whoever lives there as well...)

So in advance, I ask for your forgiveness as I angrily recap tonight's show...

It was with baited trepidation that I began to settle in to tonight's episode. Would the last hot chick continue to be a top threat to be booted? Would Coach's ego continue to grate away the remaining vestiges of my viewing pleasure? Would Erin's resemblance to Jeanine Garofalo continue to subconsciously make me want to rent "The Truth About Cats and Dogs?" Would Sierra's jumpsuited, fashion-striped "koozie" continue to barely conceal her fuzzed out coochie?

Thankfully, beer temporarily numbed the angst. 

So as I start the TiVo and begin poppin' the corn, we are first and foremost met with Taj letting Stephen in on the idiotic bi-tribal alliance while they discover the hidden idol. 

I don't know, but for some reason this "alliance" just pisses me off. 

Sure - I hope they prove me wrong and it all works out to be a rainbow-laden , sugar-crusted, lavendar-stenching kingdom of glee for everyone in the end...

But you know what? I really don't hope they prove me wrong. I actually hope each person in that alliance has some festering Amazonian parasidic rainforest creature spelunk into one of their bodily crevices while they sleep. The alliance is stupid, dangerous, and perfectly epitomized by Sierra giddily proclaiming, "I'm so proud of myself for nearly being voted out in the beginning and now being part of this great alliance!" 

My Amazonian bi-tribal alliance wish...

Whatever, fuzzy koozie. Go ahead: take credit for NOT HAVING DONE A DAMN THING...aside from being a token passive "number" someone else could use for their own selfish benefit of course. 

OK, relaaaaaax PB. There's a new day tomorrow, a new bowl of mini wheats to tackle, a new freshly shorn lawn to grace...

Within minutes we head to the reward challenge where Jalapao continues their winning streak. The tribe predictably picks Brendan, and he predictably picks his new alliance-mate, Stephen, immediately raising the concern of Morman Peen. 

For heaven's sake dude, you've got this crappy alliance, but you don't spend a second strategizing ways to ensure it stays a secret. Why do you need to continue choosing people from your alliance? Why not ask the tribe to decide for you this time, because whomever they pick - assuming they will get all the same clues you have - STILL isn't going to find the idol because BOTH HAVE ALREADY BEEN FOUND. 

Sheesh.    (as in: kabob...)

Regardless, the tribe heads off to eden - aka: THE CHARMIN CAFE.

(deep breath) - Dear CBS marketing department, if your goal is to try to inspire comfort, delightful deliciousness and heavenly roasted coffee, you don't name the place after a product that's used to clean anuses. 

You know, I agree - that was uncalled for. We're all sophisticated adults here. I should have just said "dirty assholes," and now I regret trying to soften the blow.

"That's what she said..."

But, next to the NOTH (Needless "Oh The Humanity") segment (letters from home - oh joy! Let the tears rain down after a measly two weeks!), the TP-eatery suddenly doesn't seem so bad...

The only palatable Noth.

As the tribes whittle away the hours preparing for the Immunity Challenge, Sydney and Spencer find themselves with some private time. As Sydney recaps her deeply Freudian dream about eating chips and salsa in an earthquake with her boyfriend (according to my "Interpretation of Dreams" book, it has something to do with lusting after that guy in the Wiggles who looks like a serial killer...)

(I know you know what I'm talking about...)

...Spencer's mind is somewhere else. ...Which I am baffled by. Dude - did you not just hear she has a friggin' boyfriend? How isn't your world crashing down around you right now?

"He's gay," my sister Jenny peppers our viewing room with before my mind can grasp any legitimate reason why he wouldn't be flipping out right then.

"I'm gay," Spencer tells the camera. 

Hmm...still doesn't answer my question though...we're talking Sydney here...

Ugh - everything seems to be working against me today. I can't take much more of this...

At the Immunity challenge, JT looses a tooth, Probst pockets the roadkill-stained mandible, Coach is freakishly non-existent the entire time, and, shockingly, the only pixilation is Stephen's "holy shit" muttered when JT makes a great play.

But it's not good enough as Jalapao wins yet again. This time it's Taj who loses it back at camp, yapping at everyone and fearlessly yelling, "I don't give a shit what people think of me today!"

Hmm - perhaps a mantra I need to repeat to myself tomorrow...?

Typically, such a show of aggression is a sure deathwish, and for a while it looks like the foreshadowing may come to fruition. But instead, Spencer's flaccid showing at the challenge is what ultimately pegs him for the unanimous vote: a piss poor showing for Survivor's youngest contestant ever. Bleh.

But we can't end it all here. My blood pressure is still sky high. What the f was Taj thinking? CLEARLY she was on the chopping block. CLEARLY she was a target. Heck, she even admitted as much herself after mouthing off for the past few hours. Babe - you have one immunity idol - what better time are you waiting for to play it?! 

I'm so sick of Survivors waiting for the so called "perfect time" to play their precious idol. The best time is NOW. Oh wait, but blindsides RARELY happen, right? 

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!

Can't wait for her friggin' blindside. I'll savor it like one of the two-ply, extra strong, "Country Living" patterned offerings at the Charmin Cafe...

Until next week (hopefully),

PB