Episode 4: Jizz In My Pants

Men...we dodged a bullet tonight.

First we lose voluptuous Carolina. Then we lose flotatious Candace. And last week (*sniff*) we even lose gaseous Jerry.

But not Sydney. No no no...PLEASE NOT SYDNEY.

Girls - don't be rolling your eyes at me. It's easy for you - you've still got Brendan's muscles. You've still got Tyson's sinewy mormon peen. And please, it's so easy for you to complain when you've still got Stephen's chiseled stick-figurine physique.  

Just let us be happy that we still have Sydney. Yes, we know she's managed to get by on her looks her entire life. Yes, we're aware that everything she's achieved has been influenced and aided by her beauty. Yes, we are cognizant of the fact that her sultry eyes, pouty lips and supple skin are mesmerizing our every thought and then I...

Whew. OK, better now.

So, now that I need a nap, let's hurry up and plow through this episode... 

Coach returns to camp still obsessing over the whole "leader" b.s. 

"I'd be a better leader than Brendan, and the tribe would be better with me as their leader," he venomously spews to the camera. But the only kind of leader that fits Coach perfectly is this one:

Meanwhile, Taj grabs Nerdboy Steven  to let him in on her and Brendan's cross enterprise alliance plan, "It'll be the biggest upset in Survivor history," she woefully undersells. 

But I'm just not seeing the grandiose scheme. So they manage to make an alliance on the other tribe...what does it matter? They first have to reach the merge - which is still a ways off - with all four members intact, which is saying a LOT considering they will have no control or power to keep their alliance around until then (because a 2 person alliance per tribe = NO FRIGGIN' POWER). 

And then, let's just assume they can keep it intact until the merge...well whoop-dee-friggin-doo, they now have a four person alliance in a tribe of 10, with six other tribe members pissed off that this group abandoned their original tribe. 

...Another iron-clad "good" idea...

At the weight-bearing reward challenge, the men get dusted, and gaunt, top-heavy Debbie gets trounced in the final face-off by Taj's Mahal. This means that JT and Joe get to steal rations from Timbira - typically a demoralizing reward that leaves the losing tribe fractured and sorrowfully devoid of supplies.

But JT and Joe apparently are in a good mood, as they only take one bag of beans and one of the water jugs. 

You know, ten seasons ago this would have been a horrible strategy. The point being that there is nothing more important than entering the merge with an advantage, and whatever it takes to gain that advantage must be capitalized on. Had this been ten seasons ago, JT and Joe would have taken both bags of beans, trashed the shelter, and taken a dump in both water jugs. 

But you gotta lay blame at the feet of CBS here. They've resorted to so many tribal shakeups prior to the merge in recent seasons, that it's difficult to blame JT and Joe for ensuring that both tribes have supplies, and nobody is pissed off - it's very likely they will either be tribemates with some of these people, or living at this site, long before the merge. 

Just goes to show: DON'T MESS WITH THE ORIGINAL FORMULA.

And so we come to Sandy's plea to boot the angelic Sydney. "She doesn't sleep with a bra..." 

Yes...tell me more... 

"She's always flirtin' with the men..." 

Umm-hmm...keep it comin'... 

"She'd better pull off dem panties too if she wants to beat me!" 

(I'm happy to take a moment while you scroll back up the page to click on my hotlink above...)

OK, back now? Good. But really, how could anyone on Sandy's tribe be influenced by someone who just moments earlier screamed, "THEM ARE FARTIN' BEANS" three times in a row?

I rest my case. 

But, I can't help but be a little nervous when Timbira actually wins the Immunity challenge, which means that it will likely be between the Virgin Mary-esque Sydney, and Beelzebubee Sandy

At Tribal Council, Jeff winds it right around to Sydney's looks (is it really any surprise that we worship him?), and as the men drool and shift uncomfortably in their seats, Sydney boldly and womanly-ly stands up for herself...to soliloquize beyond her beauty... 

"People stereotype me as the blond girl who doesn't have much to say, but that doesn't mean...Oh I don't know."

Absolutely, honey. I am right there with you. 

And thankfully, it's going to stay that way for at least one more week, because the men's peen's voted this week and Fartin' Granny gets booted.

The air is a little sweeter, the sun is a little brighter...and when the CBS camera catches Sydney's nearly naked body lying in the shelter with those boxers bunching up in just the right places on my wide screen HD TV...

...I thank...something...for the slo-mo button on my remote control.

Until next week,

PB