Episode 6: Baffling Fake Ones

Thank you for your concern - I know you're only tuning into today's recap to see how I'm doing after Syndey's boot.

Frankly, I'm disappointed.

Disappointed that there was a better strategy right in front of their noses. Disappointed that Sydney's stellar cheekbones will no longer grace my widescreen. Disappointed that EriNn's assfuzz burned itself like a red hot poker directly into my Canals of Schlemm.

Look it up.

Not to mention - what's it been, like three and a half months since the last episode? Whatever happened to March Madness exclusively residing in the month that it's named for? When did we transition to April Apathy as well?

No baby!

I have to admit I myself had a little apathy getting reacquainted with the show after such a long hiatus. Thank Seacrest for filling the void...

That's what she said...

So right off the bat, Joe confesses he has a "thing" for Sydney.

Joe's "thing" for Sydney...

Perhaps more of a revelation than I initially thought...

Meanwhile, Timbira is in the throes of a dramatic bean episode: Coach wants the beans to cook longer, nobody else does, he burns the crap out of them, Sierra fumes, Brendan vents, and everyone else ingests toxic levels of charcoaled bean carcinogens...surely there must have been a better solution to this inane interaction...

In Jalapao, Taj is getting itchy. And no, this time it's not something that a little Cruex is going to cure... She wants to disclose her secret idol and alliance to JT, but Steven is afraid he'll be moved to the bottom of the totem pole (which he would...). Still - this is the smartest thing she can do. A cross-tribe four person alliance isn't going to go anywhere...but when you prepare to enter the merge with your tribe down 4 to 6 (as Jalapao would be by the end of the episode), it's time to grasp for straws, and this straw is truly the only viable option: get at least one, and maybe two, more people in the loop, and suddenly it's a whole new ballgame.

Another not so new ballgame...

At the Reward Challenge, Jeff sums up the rules in two words that just seem to elicit all-consuming orchestral music to the ears: PIG TOSSING!!!

Rosie makes a guest appearance...

Each tribe must toss pigs through complicated walls of poles and keep them from getting smashed. On the Jalapao side, JT pitches, Sydney catches, and Steven cleans up the mess.

Get your minds out of here...

But, the ménage à trois can't compete with Timbira, so Joe is sent to Exile sand dune where he must focus on "charming" EriNn into flipping to their side when the merge comes. However, the true flips are what's happening to Timbira's stomachs at the reward itself as the tribe consumes gigantic greasy cheeseburgers after subsiding on gaseous charcoal and river water for the past four weeks...

New reward challenge "Push Through the Pain" sponsors

Taj is concerned that now that there are new people getting clues at Exile sand dune, they may find the idols already gone, so she comes up with the "brilliant" plan of creating a fake idol.

OK, look. It was a good idea the first time - 8 seasons ago. It was even kind of clever the last 16 times that someone "concocted" the fake idol idea.

Enough already. How many times does the fake idol have to be put into play before someone has even an iota of skepticism about finding an idol poorly constructed out of bark, feathers and petrified lizard shit? Don't these people watch past seasons of the show? Is there no thought process that goes, "Hmm, Taj and Brendan have been to Exile sand dune 312 times but I found the idol within 14 seconds after receiving a single clue...maybe someone's trying to pull a fast one on me..."

May need to be required reading for future contestants...

At Immunity, Timbira wins yet again, and Jalapao is torn between booting Sydney or backstabbing Taj. But here's where the logic doesn't fit. Why boot either? You're heading into the merge - there's no need anymore to try to maintain the strongest tribe for challenges. You now need to look out for #1, and with that in mind, Joe (who is outside of the ever-growing cross-tribal alliance) is extremely dangerous. Unfortunately, nobody seems to even consider this scenario.

Furthermore, when Steven and JT try to convince Joe to boot Sydney instead of Taj because she may have formed relationships with others in Timbira that they could capitalize on (HINT-FRIGGIN'-HINT!!!), Joe's penis simply can't vote for Sydney. At this point, how does everyone NOT turn on him?

But...they don't, and Sydney is the victim, falling to Taj in a 3-2 vote.

Our time together was oh so fleeting...

Speaking of which, I've lost a lot of respect for Taj. I know this happens every season, but how does she not play her idol? She has to figure Sydney is going to vote for her, and 18 seasons of non-stop backstabbing has to make her second guess her "safety...", no? She deserved to get booted - both by letting Steven hold the idol and by offering it to JT to use any time he feels unsafe. Idiot. She's breaking sacred, basic Survivor rules left and right

And why is it that the special Exile idols are NEVER PLAYED? I mean really, think about it - never! Why is it that the only idols ever played are the fake ones? Baffling.

More baffling fake ones...

Until next week...PB: out.