Episode 8: The Hymen and the Nub

It may be difficult to spit it out, but as much as it feels like rubbing thick, deep, earth-mined crystalline salt into an open, festering wound of fizzing, poisonous pus to say it, Coach is unequivocally in control. 

Actually, that wasn't so difficult to say.

He's clearly in control...

From beginning to end...

From the top of Mt. Ego to the bottom of the Sea of Humility...

From the intact hymen of Natalie from Facts of Life (at least for the first 7 seasons), to the worn-to-the-nub uncircumcised phallus of Arthur Fonzerelli...

     

The Hymen and the Nub

(original title for the ABC spinoff pilot...)

Do you get my point or need I continue?

Coach has the 9 remaining Survivors in the palm of his fist. Riding a tidal wave of overconfidence, he kicks off the episode by explaining that he's only told the incredible tale he's about to tell to three people in his life, and then proceeds to detail how he was air-dropped (for free) at the mouth of the Amazon alone (because he turned down an offer from National Geographic to join him), was captured by natives, beaten endlessly while tied to a stick, had the culinary merits of his asshole discussed for hours in front of him (although Rachel Ray could clearly have done it in 30 minutes), and then escaped and paddled for two days to safety with bleeding hands. 

The tribe is...stunned, to say the least. But the bigger question is, why the hell has he only told this to three people so far, and who in god's name were those three people?

I have my suspicions...

          

Many of the tribe are skeptical about Coach, but apparently not enough to seriously consider turning on him (yet). This is actually kind of shocking. Rule #48 in the Survivor Couch Potato handbook explains that as soon as an excessive display of overconfidence is shown, that person will likely be the next to go. Yet, here we are 8 episodes in and Coach still very much a player. Why? Why now? Why ever? He's the Everest of Ego. He's the ocean of overconfidence. He's the bad acting of Larry Dallas.

 

Well, it is good TV. He's so focused on being the self-proclaimed "Dragonslayer" (cutting the head off the dragon: aka - Brendan), that in an attempt to explain Sierra's (lack of a) role in the tribe, he calls her the "dragon's bowel movement." 

Even Sierra needs a hug now and then

At the Reward Challenge, the tribe members must toss metal balls into a Gabon-style Toss Across game. Brendan's team is initially challenged as "stacked" and he defends himself by pleading, "Please - we're tossing metal balls underhand into tiles - who's ever done that before?"

"Me," Coach states. Of course. Other things you should know about Coach so you won't be surprised later:

1. Has ripped the still-beating heart out of a man (10 year old kid on opposing soccer team)
2. Has six testicles (three of which are in a jar he keeps on his nightstand)
3. Survived for 18 months on only Strawberry Quik and Chicken in a Biskit

     

A timeless combination!

But Coach's boasting put the target on his back, so in the end Brendan actually pulls it out along with JT and Debbie. 

Debbie's been flying under the radar. What do we really know about her? She's a principal. She's a nice lady. She has a fantastic plastic surgeon. All good stuff. But tonight, we go deeper - Debbie, to the joy and countless wadded up tissues of her 1,136 male students gives a full screen spread eagle with total CBS vulva fuzz, and follows that up with a double-boob fuzz shot in the Immunity Challenge. 

Uh...Coach who now?

JT fights for his life during the Immunity challenge, but Ty again pulls out the win. Still, things finally appear to be falling the way I was referencing last week: Taj, Brendan, Sierra, JT, Steven should be turning on Coach, and then Ty. JT and Steven are clearly in control as Coach's alliance also includes them  as well, and if JT and Steven can't see that they have a MUCH better shot of getting to the end against Sierra, Taj and EriNn, then they deserve to go home.

Still, Coach is pretty f-in confident as they head to Tribal Council...

I'm just drooling for a Coach blindside. I need it like a drug. It's palpable. Tangible. Stanky. 

Because it's just not to be - the plan works EXACTLY like Coach and Ty had predicted it would: Brendan gets four votes, Sierra gets three (in case Brendan plays his idol), and Coach gets two. Which ultimately begs the question, what the HELL is Taj doing voting for Brendan? Wasn't it her idea in the first place to start the cross-tribal alliance that I despised so much? And yet, why am I the only one left seeing the frigging merits of that crappy alliance? 

Taj: you're on my shit list. But Brendan too - he deserved to go for (a) not playing his idol, and (b) not getting EriNn and Taj over to his side, which ultimately would have been enough to do Coach in (with EriNn's knowledge of their plan to split the vote between Brendan and Sierra). Although, it's not like Brendan didn't work on Taj for an hour or more...I'm baffled by her motivation to think that her future is more secure with Coach and Ty running things.

Time will tell. But first we'll have to get through next week's Sierra waterworks as she pitifully begs for her survival (of course to no avail), but then I expect nothing less but for there to be a major turnabout.

Sigh. My mind is worn to the nub. I'm taking my hymen and getting the hell out of here.

PB