Episode 9: Whoa Nelly!

Whoa Nelly!

Nooo, not that Nelly...

Nooooo, not that Nelly either...

Yeah baby. Now we're talking! Nothing suggests devious deliciousness than the product of Little House on the Prairie's evil Mrs. Oleson's 19th century untrimmed vajayjay.

What an episode! What an absolutely satisfying knife in the square of the back outcome! It's truly moments like these that make me forget the trials and tribulations of the everyday world...

I sensed satisfaction when I glimpsed the episode title as I was starting our TiVo: "It's Funny When People Cry." 

Hil-AIR-ious!

And for the first ten minutes of the show, it was actually funny to see Sierra's Drew Barrymore puffy face weep openly as she disgustingly pleads for her life. "I was on top of the game yesterday, now I'm the bottom of the food chain."

Actually, I Googled the latest food chain standings and whaddyaknow - she was right. Here are the bottom five as of 4/24/09:

10: Moon Over My-hammie special at Denny's

9: Anything Guy Fieri eats on Dives, Drive-ins and Diners

8: Guy Fieri

7: Squirrels

6: Car-baked bird spooge

5: Plankton

4: Bellybutton link with three-day old co-mingled velveeta drippins

3: Amoeba

2. McRib sandwich

1. Sierra

Back off the bottom again!

But soon basking in Sierra's idiocy is even agonizing for me. Wrong strategy babe. Self pity will only provide a deep sense of satisfaction when you are booted. And besides, why would you be pleading to Coach and Ty? Why not let them think you're accepting your fate and then work EriNn, Taj or Steven?

Look, the bottom line is Ty is absolutely right: Sierra is a dumbshit. I really don't throw that term around haphazardly, so believe me when I say that it really is ridiculous that after 18 seasons, Sierra would think that bitching at the tribe, whining incessantly, and lying about her intentions would provide a possible out. 

The last time I used "dumbshit" in the past...

In fact, when she whines to Ty that it wasn't her master plan to vote Coach out, Ty tells her to her face, "I know, you're not smart enough." Her reaction (rolling her eyes) says it all: heard it before.

At the reward challenge the Survivors are split into two groups and must work together in smaller groups of two to carry huge wood panels and fit them together like a puzzle. Everyone partners up, but both times JT and EriNn head out, he takes the massive plank on his back and runs all the way back on his own...and STILL beats EriNn both times (which leads me to wonder - why the hell didn't she just stay at the start and wait for him to return? It would have actually been faster...).

When Coach's team loses, Probst can't resist taking a stab at him, "Looks like all those jungle skills you have didn't help too much today..."

"I didn't have to line up boards in the Amazon," Coach quips back. 

Leave it to JP - he can find that ONE thing that Coach hasn't done in this lifetime...

Nope, he's even gotten this tattoo...

Back at camp, Sierra is driving me and everyone else crazy - attacking people, whining, weeping...EriNn asks her an innocent question and Sierra maturely responds, "I'M NOT TALKING TO YOU ERINN!" 

mee-ow!

In the 44th minute of the Sierrashow, she corners Coach again and - actually kind of surprisingly - he listens. "Would I be 'Strong Sierra' if I wasn't talking to you right now?" she bizarrely states in an attempt to convince Coach to give her a second chance.

Sierra's choices to Coach: one deadly to her, one deadly to the viewers...

At immunity, Coach, JT and Steven opt out of the competition in order to eat soggy pizza (although did anyone else notice that before the competition started CBS magnanimously erected a tent for their dining enjoyment? Nice walkin' the walk Survivor manifesto...) while everyone else plays shuffleboard. With only two throws left, Sierra slips into the lead and starts doing the Elaine dance.

But...Debbie nan-chalantly knocks her out and Sierra appears doomed for the boot. Let the last flush of whining continue...

Then, just when you're ready to jab a kabob stick into your ears and gouge out your eyeballs with a serated grapefruit spoon...a twist: Steven proposes to Taj to boot out Ty...and JT appears to be open to the idea.

Fascinating, but you can't help but wonder if CBS is just manipulating us into thinking that Sierra's not a done deal. The other interesting thing about this exchange is that Taj and Steven are clearly still working together, which maybe sheds some light into how/why she voted for Brendan last week. CBS didn't show us anything that helps us understand this, but clearly there has to be some important background that hopefully will come into play sometime soon. Bottom line - they appear to still be part of that weird alliance.

While all this is going on, Coach's ego simply cannot get any bigger. He has slayed the dragon, he's looked each member of his alliance in the eye and put the fear of Coach into them should they ever betray him, he even tells Probst at Tribal Council that his alliance is built of honorable warriors. 

"But then you vote out Brendan," Probst perfectly assails him. 

Probst also outwardly asks Ty if he feels at all unsafe after not having immunity for the first time. C'mon CBS - if you're feeding Probst questions, can you make it less obvious to the Survivors? Last week's question to the tribe about "Is anyone telling any stories around the campfire" was the worst - I mean, has he EVER asked a question like that before? And right on the heals of Coach's Man vs. Wild confession?

"I'm not concerned at all," Ty confesses. Uh oh, now I'm actually considering the glorious possibility of Ty getting booted: he's too cocky. But will JT actually go against Coach after he told him, "You have my word," mere hours before? Will JT be more allied with Steven or with Coach?

And it unbelievably happens: five votes to three - Ty is gone. Ty is shocked, but the lip-smackingly glorious satisfaction is derived from Coach's blank, shocked stare. His fantasy "honorable" world crashes down around him.

Hey Coach - a little tip: watch any of the preceding 17 seasons before you. Ain't nothin' honorable about trying to win a million bucks. 

That's why we love this show.

Can't wait for next week when the tables turn on Coach...will he whine and beg to Sierra, or go out with a bang (hopefully not with Sierra though...that's one fuzz none of us need to see...). Any way it goes, it's getting good people!

PB