Episode 13: First With Open Mouths, Then With Hungry, Probing Tongues

"I find your cunning arousing!"

Know who said that? That's right, the ultimate alabaster waify diva: Diane Chambers (to Frazier Crane) during the heyday of Cheers - an iconic and brilliant quote in which I consistently have high hopes for each season's ultimate Survivor to achieve.

So did we get aroused this season? Well, some of you ladies notwithstanding, the short answer is, "no;" however, it doesn't necessarily mean we are left totally flaccid and unfulfilled. JT is a fantastic, well-deserving winner - easily the most deserving of the season. And if I had a vulva, I have no doubt it would be quite impressively engorged.

But the problem isn't with JT, the problem is that the show went out with nary a whimper, rather than the mind-numbing, extremities-tingling, netherlands-probing explosion that we were craving.

It fizzled, like expired Pop Rocks.

It muddled along like James Lipton with a 10 inch stack of blue note cards.

It teased, taunted and tickled without delivering...like crippled Cambodian land-mine masseuses.

Look, it's not like there wasn't drama. There was drama. But it was uncomfortable drama. And not in a good way. In that final tribal council when JT and Steven started picking their friendship apart, the strands of their bonds unraveling faster than Peen's boxer shorts in a tight foot race...it was tough to watch. I just wanted it to be over - done with. And Coach, when given the opportunity to inject some desperately needed good drama in the mix, became...forgettable...

But let's first give some background for anyone who either didn't watch the show/has a life:

• I can't believe I didn't bring this up last week, but it is absolutely UNFORGIVABLE that Taj didn't play her idol last week. It was the last week to play it, nobody should ever feel 100% confident they're not going home on any particular night (especially this season), and what is the benefit of NOT playing it at this point? Aside from the fact that it's idiotic not to play it since you earned it and it ensures you a spot in the final four, she had an even more important reason to play it. Taj actually has been quite the strategic player - cross-tribal alliance, pulling in others, working with JT/Steven to pick off Timbira one by one after the merge...but NOBODY KNOWS SHE HAS DONE THESE THINGS. She could theoretically made it to the final two only to be crushed because everyone thought she's been flying under the radar. By playing the idol, she would have definitively shown that she had been using it to her advantage, clearing her way to the final four. Lame. Lame. Lame.
• Fascinating fact that at the merge it was 6 Timbira and 3 Jalapao. 17 previous seasons have consistently shown that numbers mean everything. They don't always (actually rarely) translate into efficient execution of the weaker tribe until the end; however, it is definitely used as the key strategy until someone jumps ship and the alliances implode. But this was the first year that the weaker tribe absolutely decimated the stronger one. JT, Steven and Taj worked magic, manipulating EriNn and picking off Jalapao one by one by one. Incredible.
• This strategy worked perfectly...until Taj got booted by JT and Steven after the ominous spider challenge (nets and tubes built to resemble a gigantic black spider in which the contestants had to maneuver through small holes and slip past Taj's fuzzed-out butt crack to find flags. Sigh. Whatever happened to the age-old, gold standard challenges...like Hanging Meat?). I did like that Taj called JT on his hypocrisy of voting for her because he was threatened, but not taking EriNn with him to the final two...but unfortunately I am still bitter with Taj not playing her idol, so whayagunnaduh?
• It was another UNFORGIVABLE infraction that EriNn not try to strategize with Taj prior to the vote (when Taj was booted). Taj would have been hard to get to switch; however, pointing out that she's the low person on the totem pole may have had an effect (heck - JT and Steven threw her under the bus, why not her throwing them under the bus?). EriNn was more than lucky to make it to the top three, let alone not be the first one voted out in the entire game (Oh Carolina - how we miss everything about you but your annoying voice...)
• Is it really a surprise to anyone that JT and Steven would be battling it out in the final immunity and EriNn would be useless? We're talking about juggling balls here people. The only person who maybe could have beat them would be someone like Chet - he juggles more than his own balls...
  
  

Knock a little louder sugar!

• The one satisfying moment in the final episode was when JT wrote EriNn's name down, thereby taking Steven to the final two, and the camera cuts to Coach who's giving a deep fist pump punctuated with a heartfelt, "YES!" The Warrior chooses to go against the Wizard.
• All the talk about how JT is a country bumpkin and Steven is a city dweeb...and yet somehow they find a way to make beautiful man-music together...kind of reminded me of something from my childhood that I couldn't quite put my finger on...

• Although JT was assured the money no matter whom he took, in retrospect it's easier to think it would have been riskier for him to take EriNn for the reason that was stated - that her entire tribe is on the jury. Because IF Steven was to be perceived as "equally deserving" of the money (in his mind) as JT, the jury has to give it to JT anyway as his picking Steven tips the scales of having a smidge extra ballsack than Steven. Unanimous vote was the only way to go.
• Sierra is friggin' psycho. Mondo - I don't know how you lust after her. She's a mix between a drugged out Drew Barrymore and the evil/unstable mom of one of my friends from my childhood. I actually started having a panic attack watching her continue to berate Coach during the reunion...

Sierra Dearest...

So when I long for arousing cunning, it just wasn't quite there last night. A satisfying season? Absolutely. Fun and interesting contestants? Without a doubt. Protruding vulvas and other niblets? Thank heavenly god yes. But after the buildup to a promised double-relase Coach showdown ended in a dribbling shame spiral...it leaves me with one hope.

Next season.

So I'll leave you with this one final quote from Ms. Chambers which seems to properly sum up the insane amount of hours I've spent this season writing, searching for inane pictures, and trying to figure out how to post these ridiculously complicated blog entries:

"If ignorance is bliss, then this is eden."

(I was going to use, "First with open mouths, then with hungry, probing tongues," but c'mon, this is a family friendly blog people, let's not get crass.)

See you in the fall with Survivor 18: Samoa.

In the meantime, below are the final results of our lil' pool (may be our last one since we now have 3-4 times as many people wanting only to read rather than try win some cash as well...). Congratulations to...Jenny and my Assistant Coach: Chris. Now take your money and get back to popping my blackheads...

Probst Beef: out.

Episode 12: Umbrage is a Dish Best Served at Room Temperature

If I could graph my level of excitement during this episode, it would look like this:

I am numb. Disgusted. Disappointed. Enraged. Flummoxed. Perhaps a little gaseous. Absolutely gLambertenous...

...but overall stultified. I can't think straight now. Coach has been sent packing at precisely the wrong moment, upsetting the balance of the universe, robbing us of our expected karmic satisfaction, sending us to a finale fraught with boring, undeserving contestants with no yang. 

You can't kick the man when he's down and expect to feel good about it! You have to allow him to believe he's in absolute control, a brilliant strategist, an invincible dragonslayer...

And THEN you pummel him.

Instead, what was promising to potentially be one of the most fascinating endings to a Survivor season has now been reduced to: ...remember when Vecepia won Survivor Marquesas? No?

Exactly.

Well, let's at least reminisce the good times while they fleetingly remain in our happy places...

From the start of this second-to-last episode, it's a friggin' monster truck powerhouse: Coach schemes with King JT and Prince Steven, seemingly gaining a modicum of humility while keeping the option of his uncontested (in his mind) supreme greatness alive. "I'm like the lamb that was led to the slaughterhouse," he says, "but Steven and JT saved me!" This in response to JT/Steven's disclosure that Debbie was the one who voted for Coach. 

JT and Coach in happier times

He actually realizes that for the first time:

1. he's not in control
2. he's speechless
3. he's scared to go to exile sand dune
4. he's not invincible
5. ball sweat attracts Brazilian fruit gnats

True, these are enlightenments that each of us have had come to Jesuses with at one time or another in our lives - but each is a first for Coach. On top of all this, his asthma is acting up, his back aches, he's got some ingrown pubes aggravating his pre-Survivor boyzilian wax, and his future rests solely in the combined hands of JT and Steven. He pleads for his survival, and the men unequivocally grant him their promises. 

However, his one immediate wish is not to be sent off to exile sand dune - because he's not sure he can make it...(maybe if it was a few weeks down the Amazon with nothing but a pen knife and a few stalks of lemongrass...but please, not exile sand dune!)

At the reward challenge - the single worst reward challenge in the history of reward challenges - JT blazes to a ridiculously fast victory. In literally about 2 minutes. How long did it take CBS to build that Survivor maze, level the ground, raze the vegetation, construct the contraptions, and then test it all out...only to have it over in less time than it takes Shirl to toss out another raucous barb at Dwayne and Rerun? 

Of course, in the ultimate of gloriously anticipated ironies, JT quickly selects Coach to be exiled, and Coach literally starts freaking out - spewing nonsense, proclaiming he's taking a "monastic approach" to the exile, basking in his promise not to eat or drink...

And of course, EriNn can't contain her exuberance at his predicament, babbling her own venomous nonsense and fully empowering Coach's wish to be a martyr...

Coach flits off to exile sand dune

But now Coach is in his element - at one with nature - fully invested in experiencing his own enlightenment - committed in every way, shape and form to reaching a higher ground. "It will make me a man...I'm already a man...it will make me more of a man!"

Even more man...the "highest" ground

Meanwhile at the reward, JT and his boyfriend Steven are living it up in the lap of boyzilian paradise. They're shocked when they catch themselves in the mirror, aghast at the their hair and beards, but letting it loose in the shower...

"OH! OH YEAAAAAAH!' OOOOOOOOH!!!" JT grunts from the shower...

Meanwhile, Coach is barely hanging on in the exact polar opposite environment: no luxury, no roof over his head, no churnin' the foreskin butter. When he finally gets to return in time for the immunity challenge, all he can barely muster up enough strength to say is, "it was friggin' awesome, man!" 

Jeff gives him props, and Coach elaborates with effort, "No water, no food, no sleep, no fire...it was perfect, exactly what I needed."

And as Jeff begins to explain the rules of the challenge, the camera picks up Coach leaning over to Steven and softly pleading, "Can I get some water?!?!?!"

Coach quenches his thirst

It's a challenge of stamina, and Coach is 100% convinced his wilderness enlightenment was the perfect precursor to a sure win. And as contestants drop out one by one, it's actually looking like my dream is coming to fruition: a final four that includes Coach. How could it not? EriNn: out. Taj: out. Steven: out. And JT isn't looking so good. Coach, meanwhile, looks like he's barely interested enough to even pay attention to the task at hand - there's too much introspection going on to worry about the physical realm. 

He's got it in the bag...and all will be well with our world. 

But then Taj. Friggin' Taj has to say the one thing to cripple him beyond repair, "Coach - don't hurt your back any more than it already is!"

Ugh! Seed of betrayal firmly planted in Coach's mind, he immediately crumbles into a worthless, quivering heap of back spasms and acrid failure. God damnit!

And there it is: at his nadir, his most self aware moment in the game, perhaps his most vulnerable and helpless point in his entire life...and Steven chooses it to tip the scales Coach's way and boot him off (after a stupendous poetic recitation by Coach, perfectly capturing a final moment of yang).

Unnecessary. Uncalled for. Unctuous-inducing. 

I take umbrage, Steven, you friggin' bastard. Here, sitting in my living room, thousands of miles and months removed from a pitiful reality TV show in which I vicariously live my Thursday nights in, I take f-in umbrage.

Man, I really need that hiatus between seasons more than I thought...

My required reading this summer

But life must go on...as it did after the Ropers left Three's Company. As it did after Diane left Cheers. As it did after Ted McGinley replaced (insert actor name here) on (insert cheesy Aaron Spelling production here). And as it will in Survivor Tocantins as well.

Coach - we hardly knew ye. Not that we really wanted to, or that anyone on the planet should expose themselves to your ego at any point now or in the future. But you were good for the show. And for that, I thank you.

Until next week when I can extract my enjoyment from Coach's final speech on the jury...

...a pissed off, but broken-hearted PB

Episode 11: Yang and a Warm Towel

Thank…something for Coach. No, really. I realize many of you are absolutely drooling and craving the possibility of him being voted out (and ideally blindsided during the process) before the final tribal council, but hear me out:

He’s unbelievably great for the show.

That’s it, that’s my argument. You can’t have an entire cast of feel-good, boring, recipe-swapping, book-clubbing, Oprah-loving, vanilla, unselfish, missionary-positioning nice people all the time. You need controversy, a yang to the yin, a nemesis. But even within all of this, there are certain categorizations – preferences, if you will – of what makes a regular ole “yang” a damn good yang-ee. Here are the top five in decending order:

5. Manipulative – Good, but not great. Sure, they’re using others like pawns on a chessboard, but without drama and backstabbing, does anyone really care or appreciate it?

Example: Richard Hatch

4. Just Plain Dumb – A significant upgrade over “manipulative” by the shear factor that everyone loves to watch the impending peanut butter train wreck of the village idiot.

Example: Heidi (Busey)

3. Mean – A disturbing, vitriolic, delicious addition to any season. Difficult to watch at times, but ultimately provides ample foreplay for the impending full-release satisfaction of a blindside fruition.

Example: Rob Mariano

2. Evil – Mean squared. Would you eat a breakfast cereal called, “Dick Chocula?” Of course not. But rebrand it “Count Chocula” and now we’re in business. It exudes glorious sinfulness in every mouthful, fortified with extra trans fat.

Example: Johnny Fairplay

1. Delusional – The apex of yang. They see reality 180 degrees differently than….well, everyone else on the planet. And yet they are 150% sure they are absolutely, undeniably right. Typically these types of contestants are booted early in the process as people have a hard time bonding/understanding them. But every once in a while, one will slip through, building upon the tension, ego growing beyond comprehension, viewer anger expanding past dragonslaying pretention. Forget the satisfying “full release” of a tribal blindside. I’m talking super double full-release with the promise of a warm towel mop up at the end. Brilliant.

Example: Coach

So you see, bask in the yang. Embrace the tension. Dabble in the foreplay. And prepare a warm towel.

So this is my state of mind as this week's episode kicks off, and Coach quickly delivers in the opening seconds... “Cowards, cowards, cowards – all around me. Friggin’ cowards.”

So true, Coach, so true. How DARE EriNn vote for Stephen (because she promised Sierra she wouldn’t vote for her) and Taj vote for Debbie (not sure why she did that, but I’m speculating it was a brilliant strategy on Stephen and JT’s part to make it look like they were disconnected with Taj and aligned with Coach)! It’s "lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous!"

"Who told you to use a balm?"

Coach is so “offended” by his double-standards, he even claims he doesn’t care about the million dollars – he only want to ensure the people with no integrity get what’s coming to them.

It’s a reward auction at the next “challenge,” and the humanity is dripping as Taj pays for a product placement phone message from her family. Then further slathered with humanity of all the cast members’ significant others joining them for hugs and tears. Finally, it’s all topped with the humanity cherry of Taj and her husband (NFL great Eddie George) getting’ some “business time” on Exhile Sand Dune.

But throughout it all, all I can think about is, “Who the hell is Coach’s loved one going to be?

His mom?
A geisha?
Jesus?

…and when we see it, it all makes PERFECT sense: his assistant coach.

…who proceeds to adjust his back, give him a massage, pop his blackheads, pumice his corns, dirty his sanchez…

C’mon, do you really want Coach to be booted?! This is fantastic stuff!

At the immunity challenge, JT takes a commanding lead through an obstacle course where everyone must remember a series of signs and translate them back into a mathematical equation. Stephen, on the other hand, is absolutely pitiful, lapped repeatedly by everyone (including EriNn) as he tries, and fails, a dozen times to walk on a 6 inch balance beam for ten feet. He is so far behind, it’s almost time to throw in the towel…when he suddenly wins. Incredible. Stephen explains that he assigned each of the signs a numerical value and repositioned the translations to align with the brain’s ability to remember certain sequence values….huh?

At tribal, Coach believes Taj will be going home – unanimously – as that is what he has decreed. However, instead it’s unanimously Debbie, and the look on Coach’s face is priceless. If at this point he doesn’t understand that he’s not in control, then glory be to all of us: it’s only going to get better.

Here’s hoping that Coach makes it to the final tribal and gets to give a speech explaining why he deserves the million dollars. Tremendous scenario.

Warm up those towels…

PB