Episode 11: Yang and a Warm Towel

Thank…something for Coach. No, really. I realize many of you are absolutely drooling and craving the possibility of him being voted out (and ideally blindsided during the process) before the final tribal council, but hear me out:

He’s unbelievably great for the show.

That’s it, that’s my argument. You can’t have an entire cast of feel-good, boring, recipe-swapping, book-clubbing, Oprah-loving, vanilla, unselfish, missionary-positioning nice people all the time. You need controversy, a yang to the yin, a nemesis. But even within all of this, there are certain categorizations – preferences, if you will – of what makes a regular ole “yang” a damn good yang-ee. Here are the top five in decending order:

5. Manipulative – Good, but not great. Sure, they’re using others like pawns on a chessboard, but without drama and backstabbing, does anyone really care or appreciate it?

Example: Richard Hatch

4. Just Plain Dumb – A significant upgrade over “manipulative” by the shear factor that everyone loves to watch the impending peanut butter train wreck of the village idiot.

Example: Heidi (Busey)

3. Mean – A disturbing, vitriolic, delicious addition to any season. Difficult to watch at times, but ultimately provides ample foreplay for the impending full-release satisfaction of a blindside fruition.

Example: Rob Mariano

2. Evil – Mean squared. Would you eat a breakfast cereal called, “Dick Chocula?” Of course not. But rebrand it “Count Chocula” and now we’re in business. It exudes glorious sinfulness in every mouthful, fortified with extra trans fat.

Example: Johnny Fairplay

1. Delusional – The apex of yang. They see reality 180 degrees differently than….well, everyone else on the planet. And yet they are 150% sure they are absolutely, undeniably right. Typically these types of contestants are booted early in the process as people have a hard time bonding/understanding them. But every once in a while, one will slip through, building upon the tension, ego growing beyond comprehension, viewer anger expanding past dragonslaying pretention. Forget the satisfying “full release” of a tribal blindside. I’m talking super double full-release with the promise of a warm towel mop up at the end. Brilliant.

Example: Coach

So you see, bask in the yang. Embrace the tension. Dabble in the foreplay. And prepare a warm towel.

So this is my state of mind as this week's episode kicks off, and Coach quickly delivers in the opening seconds... “Cowards, cowards, cowards – all around me. Friggin’ cowards.”

So true, Coach, so true. How DARE EriNn vote for Stephen (because she promised Sierra she wouldn’t vote for her) and Taj vote for Debbie (not sure why she did that, but I’m speculating it was a brilliant strategy on Stephen and JT’s part to make it look like they were disconnected with Taj and aligned with Coach)! It’s "lewd, lascivious, salacious, outrageous!"

"Who told you to use a balm?"

Coach is so “offended” by his double-standards, he even claims he doesn’t care about the million dollars – he only want to ensure the people with no integrity get what’s coming to them.

It’s a reward auction at the next “challenge,” and the humanity is dripping as Taj pays for a product placement phone message from her family. Then further slathered with humanity of all the cast members’ significant others joining them for hugs and tears. Finally, it’s all topped with the humanity cherry of Taj and her husband (NFL great Eddie George) getting’ some “business time” on Exhile Sand Dune.

But throughout it all, all I can think about is, “Who the hell is Coach’s loved one going to be?

His mom?
A geisha?
Jesus?

…and when we see it, it all makes PERFECT sense: his assistant coach.

…who proceeds to adjust his back, give him a massage, pop his blackheads, pumice his corns, dirty his sanchez…

C’mon, do you really want Coach to be booted?! This is fantastic stuff!

At the immunity challenge, JT takes a commanding lead through an obstacle course where everyone must remember a series of signs and translate them back into a mathematical equation. Stephen, on the other hand, is absolutely pitiful, lapped repeatedly by everyone (including EriNn) as he tries, and fails, a dozen times to walk on a 6 inch balance beam for ten feet. He is so far behind, it’s almost time to throw in the towel…when he suddenly wins. Incredible. Stephen explains that he assigned each of the signs a numerical value and repositioned the translations to align with the brain’s ability to remember certain sequence values….huh?

At tribal, Coach believes Taj will be going home – unanimously – as that is what he has decreed. However, instead it’s unanimously Debbie, and the look on Coach’s face is priceless. If at this point he doesn’t understand that he’s not in control, then glory be to all of us: it’s only going to get better.

Here’s hoping that Coach makes it to the final tribal and gets to give a speech explaining why he deserves the million dollars. Tremendous scenario.

Warm up those towels…

PB