...of course, as I always say, none of this is anything that a little mandatory prayer in school couldn't solve of course...
So we're only in week 2, but I've already got some awards to hand out...
Don't tell Kanye!
Season 19 has:
- The hottest female cast ever (Marisa, Ashley, Monica, Natalie, Yasmin, Laura, Elizabeth, Kelly...let's hope Probst grabs the peanut butter for a future food/nudity challenge, and gents: keep that fresh box of Kleenex by your couch at all times...)
- The dumbest male cast ever (In all fairness, Ben's all-encompassing idiocy brings the curve way up past the next dumbest cast - Australia, again with a single person - Colby - carrying the bulk of the weight.)
- The most evil Russell ever (with two Russells on the show this season, it's still an absolute runaway...)
...close runner-ups in the most evil Russell ever
It's also obvious that even this early in the season, one of the teams is in serious trouble, having lost three players in two weeks, while the other tribe is solid and focused. You know that a tribe is going far when you don't recognize half the people on the team and only ever get to see them during a challenge.
Still...it's not like I'm complaining. Evil Russell is absolutely delightful, and with the new addition of his sidekick, Evil Ben, it promises to be a helluva ride this season.
More evil Bens...
CBS immediately combines reward and immunity in a single, bloody, extremely physical jungleball type of challenge in which Evil Ben gets booted for clipping Gentle Russell, and Mike nearly has a heart attack...
Which is the scarier jungleball? You be the judge...
Purple wins (again), due to Probst booting Evil Ben for an illegal move, and in a lil' twist, Probst sends Yasmin over to the Yellow tribe to "observe" as part of their reward. Unfortunately for Yellow, Yasmin thought he said "unnerve," and proceeds to force the Purple tribe to gather around her for a "deserved" tongue lashing. Unfortunately for Evil Ben, "tongue lashing" doesn't mean what he's used to it meaning when he steals all his buddies' girlfriends, and he and his evil possee are primed for revenge.
Yasmin even has the gumption/balls/stupidity to pull Evil Ben aside and scream at him for taking her down during the challenge. Evil Ben is - perhaps for the first time in his life - shocked as what a girl has done to him with her tongue, and lamely retaliates by spewing something about her "lack of good grammar" ...or something. It's a friggin' battle of the witless.
Recreation of the battle (artist's rendition...)
I'm still not sure why anyone would let something bother them when it comes from someone who had just disdainfully proclaimed, "who invented loving the outdoors?!" ...but hey, he's evil. What do you expect?
Still, it's fireworks at the Yellow camp with Yasmin stirring it up, but Evil Russell is right in his dream environment, and basks in the controversy. You know, I have to say, his strategy is pretty damn solid. Sabotaging his teammates, encouraging confrontation, making people live in fear...if he has any public faults at this point, it's that he's too visible. Also, it remains to be seen how his strategy translates to entering the merge (assuming he gets there) with a tribe a fraction of the size of the other tribe. Typically this would be a deathwish (although last season told a different story for once, so technically it's not impossible to succeed...). And, of course, his growing cockiness is never a promising prelude to longevity...
Also, how much would it be hating to be part of Russell's tribe right now? Living in fear, numbers dwindling, two evil a-holes stirring it up...Mick and Jaison, in particular, are in a weird, difficult spot. Although - Jaison, c'mon dude, how the hell are your tribemates supposed to trust someone who wears long white slacks to participate on Survivor...living 39 days in the jungle?
More bad clothing options for Suvivor...
As Jeff mentions at the end of Tribal Council, the one thing the Yellow tribe has going for them is that they voted together. True, and that does show some form of solidarity...but I also liked it when Evil Ben called Probst out by saying that "Jeff's Sissy Rules" during the Immunity Challenge were lame.
Oh baby - now here it comes! Be prepared for that trademarked Probst Bitchslap! That underhanded but brilliant Acerbic Retaliation of Death! Those Dimples of Destruction!!
...But instead: nothing. No response, no follow up. So whathefuh? What happened? Where is our rock and its dimples when we need them?
...Biding their time my children, biding their time...
Until next week,
Probst Beef
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