Hell is for Chillin'

"Prayer warriors?!"

People, do I really even need to write an update for this episode? I mean, c'mon, doesn't it just write itself?

Is this what humanity has come to? Rallying Jesus to help a yellow pantied-exhibitionist bimbette and a hairless manchild to "guide their hands" in pulling strings from a giant coconut-filled Ker-Plunk! game?

Sheesh.

I'm not sure I can go on. And I'm not talking continuing with this blog, I'm talking life here. If I am truly the same species as these two mushheads, is there really any point to my own existence?

Sigh.

OK, let me go through this strategically so I can get my thoughts in order...

1. Let's put aside - for the sake of this discussion - the god/Santa/Tooth Fairy debate, and focus on the critical point here: this was a REWARD challenge. Rule #6 when summoning Jesus to help you while you're a contestant on Survivor is "Don't waste Jesus's time by asking Him to assist you with a reward challenge; save your summons for the Immunity challenge, and only when absolutely necessary (i.e. when the other tribe members have been super bitchy)." Of course, there is an exception to that rule, but alas, Probst was not giving out a free car to the winners of the reward challenge last night...
2. If Jesus really wanted to help someone last night, shouldn't he have first answered my prayers to have Natalie's dress malfunction...? 
3. Jesus watches Survivor? 
4. Jesus clearly prefers Shamwow over the Prayer Warriors. Right after Natalie and the manchild prayed for Jesus's assistance, Shamwow predicted 58 coconuts dropping - and Lord Almighty: He delivered 58 friggin' coconuts. What's the lesson here? Easy: Jesus doesn't like it when people are whiny babies, asking for Him to do everything for them. Stand up, take control of the situation, wear your mullet loud and proud, and spew vitriolic hatred toward your opponent. Believe me, Jesus melts at such fortitude of character and follicle prowess.
5. Wait a sec, I thought Probst was a diety? Isn't that what we learned in CCD back in the 3rd grade? "This is the day Jeff Probst has made - let us rejoice and be glad." What am I missing here...?
6. There's a guy named "Brett" on the show?

Enlightening, no? 

Look, good for Miss Yellow Panties for being so committed to her beliefs, but you can't have it both ways. You can't ask for Jesus's help for you and Manchild to win the reward challenge, and then immediately go and tell Russell that you're excited to stab Manchild in the back and boot him off as quickly as possible. Not that I don't love the hypocrisy and deception, just that you can't conveniently justify the contradiction. 

Well, OK, you can - what do I care? It's good TV.

And Russell - holy geez - the man is truly a blessing. Not only did he get cocky, but he allowed his cockiness to sway his good judgment and threw his power right in his tribemates faces at Tribal by saying, "I think I'll keep my immunity idol for a souvenir," when told it was his last week he could play it. 

Literally 100% of the time in the past, this level of cockiness results in getting voted out, but Russell is clearly Svengali to the rest of these lunkheads. IF he gets to the final tribal, and IF he doesn't win (I would say unanimously, but we all know there are too many idiots out there who may cast a vote based on something completely insulting and moronic as "choose a number")...I vow, right here and now, that if that happens, I will...turn off the reunion show with at least 10 minutes remaining. I'm not kidding people! This is serious stuff!

We're down to the wire - here's how this should go down to make Survivor Samoa one of the best seasons ever:

1. Vanilla/invisible Mick gets booted next.
2. Natalie summons Jesus to help her win the final Immunity Challenge.
3. Natalie's clothes strangely get torn to shreds in the challenge, which she then loses, resulting in her getting voted out.
4. Russell, Jaison and some guy named Brett go to the final tribal council.
5. Russell tells the entire jury they're embarrassments to the human race, weak and pathetic, simply tools for his own benefit...although none of them could benefit him in the least, as they're so useless. He commands them to both vote for him and start praying to him.
6. Some guy named Brett winks at his old tribemates during his speech, then weeps openly as he thanks Jesus because Jesus told him that he would singlehandedly lead him to to final tribal council and then guide the jury's hand in writing his name down for the million dollars.
7. Russell wins 9-0; the real Jesus winks at Brett.

I'm going to Hell...

But no worries - it's warm, I can kick it with Ghandi, and besides, Pat Benetar had it all wrong, Hell isn't for children, Hell is for chillin'.

Until Sunday,

Probst Beef