Of course, occasionally there are exceptions. For example:
- the 2004 Red Sox/Yankees American League Championship series
- Look Who's Talking Too
- the fall of the Berlin Wall
- Crystal Pepsi (the soda, not the porn star - although perhaps an argument could be made there too...)
- the 2002 edition of Whittling for Dummies
- that episode of Blossom where she and Six wait in line for hours to see C+C Music Factory (still rubbin' down the goosebumps on that one...)
- Olestra
And last night we experienced another: Survivor Heroes vs. Villains. Let's give a quick rundown of the innate tremendousness of what we saw:
- full frontal nudity
...need we go any further? Granted, sorry ladies that it wasn't Colby (and sorry gents that it was Sugar), but the strategy of literally ripping your rivals' clothes off their backs to win a challenge is rewarding in so many ways.
On top of this we get a man-crush on Boston Rob from the Dragonslayer, an appendage broken in multiple places from Rupert, the return of Danielle (who I had forgotten who she was until that bikini came out...), Tyson's banana hammock (kudos to him - we may have to call this a plantain hammock), and the stud of all studs: Stephanie, who dislocates her shoulder and then pops it back in - ready to go. Incredible.
But is this really all it seems to be cracking up to be? This is Survivor's third all-star edition, and to be honest, the past two haven't been anything too special...
However, I am optimistic, and I'll tell you why.
Look at the way the contestants initially "respect" each other. This is a unique development which means that there's less upfront pettiness and rash, brainless decisions at the get-go. For example, the villains are here solely because they've proven to be effective manipulators. In a field of ten of the "best," suddenly they are all on a visible, equal playing field. You don't want to stand out, at least not right away. Where big moves up front may be an effective strategy in a normal season, here you have to take some time to learn the dynamics, assess which way the wind blows, and ensure your own evil schemes aren't initially perceived to be any more threatening than the next person. Because everyone has an agenda this time. ...Of course, it's inevitable that it's only a matter of time before the tribe implodes and the remaining dolts are clawing at each other's neck like rabid vampires.
Oh, I can't wait.
Still...the somewhat vanilla ending reminded me that nothing ever lives up to what you hope it will be. Sugar's the weakest: Sugar gets booted. Solid, but boring. And as I sat there wondering why life can't always be as edge-of-the-seat, Heinz-ketchup-anticipa-yay-tion exciting like when Blossom waits to get into the C+C Music Factory concert...it reminded me that maybe I should just chill.
You see, earlier in the week my youngest daughter, McKenna, lost a tooth. It was a tooth that had been knocking on death's door for months - loose and waggling in direct defiance to evolution; the new tooth underneath had already started coming up behind it. She was turning into a shark right before our eyes...
So when it finally fell out, she (and Paige, me and her Orthodontist) was ecstatic. "All right!" she screamed in pure, childlike joy, "The tooth fairy is coming tonight!"
Unfortunately, this occurred on my oldest daughter's birthday, which meant it happened in the midst of a loud, chaotic family birthday party with over 20 people, raucous babies, multiple dogs and countless bottles of wine in the mix. By the time it all ended and we went off to bed, I'm sorry to report we had completely forgotten about her tooth.
The next morning Paige had already gone to work and the girls woke late and had only about 20 minutes to eat and get ready for school. As I was sleepily fixing my french press, I watched as a lightbulb suddenly appeared over McKenna's head at the table and she remembered that she had put the tooth under her pillow but forgot to look when she woke up. She instantly screamed, "THE TOOTH FAIRY!" jumped up, and ran to the stairs.
I panicked. Visions of my daughter's spirit being crushed under the all-consuming weight of parental neglect danced in front of my half-open eyes as I did the only thing I could think of to do before it was permanently too late...
"MCKENNA! GET BACK IN YOUR CHAIR THIS INSTANT AND FINISH YOUR BREAKFAST! DID I SAY YOU COULD BE EXCUSED?!"
I felt horrible for a split second for such a meaningless explosion of fury, misdirected because we - her supposedly loving parents - had completely dropped the ball...at least until I realized that she actually stopped halfway up the stairs and was listening to me...
"But daaaaaad - I just want to check if the tooth fairy came..."
My heart would have been breaking...if I wasn't so excited to suddenly have this window crack just wide enough to realize I may actually be able to salvage this thing. Granted, I was perhaps irreversibly scarring the daddy-daughter relationship I've worked so hard at for the past 7 years over a lie in which a winged fairy pixie visits our house to take bloody, plaque-stained teeth and replace them with cold hard cash...
She reluctantly trudged back to the table as I grabbed my wallet, high-tailed it upstairs...and realized I had no dollar bills. Brutal. In a moment of desperation, I slipped eight quarters under her pillow (overcompensating for the lack of a thrilling dollar bill with an extra dollar in quarters), and slunk back downstairs. McKenna soon finished her cereal and disappeared upstairs. I waited, ears peeled, for the shriek of delight...but nothing came. Ten minutes later she came downstairs playing with some stuffed animal and went about her business in the other room.
I approached her. "So what happened?"
"What do you mean?" she asked me, completely perplexed as to what I was referring to.
"Your tooth - what happened? Didn't you go see?"
"Oh - whatever," she replied, anxious to get back to her stuffed animal. Now I was totally confused.
"Was there nothing there?" I prodded.
"Just some coins," she answered.
"No good?" I asked.
"Usually she gives a dollar bill. I just got coins."
My guilt was complete. She didn't care about the amount of money - she had a preconceived notion that she was getting a crisp bill. Anything else was a letdown. Granted, in her mind the tooth fairy failed her and not Dad and Mom (perhaps the sole saving grace here), but it was an instant jolt of the differences of perception and anticipation that I had needed to comprehend.
Such is life, and such is the parallel with Survivor. Are you expecting a crisp, satisfying, memorable season to top all past experiences? If so, at least consider and prepare for the alternative, and let's find a way to enjoy the experience for what it truly is: a fleeting, meaningless foray into pixelated nudity, superficial backstabbing sensationalism, and the brilliance of Probst. Anything else is simply icing.
As far as McKenna is concerned, I gave her a hug, told her how sorry I was that the tooth fairy had failed her, and gave her a crisp new five dollar bill. "This is from Mommy and I - we'll never let you down!"
Until week 2,
PB
I agree with everything you said!
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