Shock and Awe

As a prologue to the following story, I need to disclose a couple things up front.

First, as much as I would like to take credit for being the protagonist (and I promise, it's not something that I would hide...frankly, I would shout it from the mountaintops...), it actually happened to a good friend of mine.

Second, this story is 100% true.

Lastly, with respect to my friend and his family, colleagues, loved ones and acquaintances who may recognize him in the local Von's, in order to protect his identity, let's just call him something like... "Smilin' Jack."

Smilin' Jack was a dapper young gent back in our glory days at UCLA in 1990. Like every other 21-year old male growing up in modern day America, he lived the campus high life on the cusp of his newfound manhood, alternating his lifelong dedication to studying Atmospheric Sciences with weekend volunteer work for underprivileged kids, and somehow balancing it all with his deep-seeded desire to (someday) get laid.

One day, Smilin' Jack met a young co-ed...oh, let's call her something like... "Dirty Diana."

It was love at first sight.

The two lovebirds spent the next few weeks getting to know each other, discussing the implications of the Lithuanian Cold War, and sharing evidence about their combined life passions: proving that Paul McCartney had been killed in the late 1960's and replaced by an impostor.

The concept that life could have ever been this fulfilling was...new to Smilin' Jack. And the possibility that it could get even better was insane.

Until one day...while studying together at the UCLA URL (University Research Library) in the late afternoon in preparation for a wicked upcoming test on Synoptic Scale Meteorology.

Smilin' Jack and Dirty Diana were in mini cubicles facing each other; he was deeply immersed in creating fluid flow equations to map weather patterns on Andromeda B...when suddenly, a toe came crawling up his leg...

Smilin' Jack lost his train of thought as the toe crept toward his nasty bits, and he found he suddenly and surprisingly just didn't have the interest in debating the merits of employing elements of scattering theory anymore.

That's right: Smilin' Jack was engorged.

Of course, Dirty Diana knew exactly what she was doing (thank god), and, being responsible young adults in the presence of others, decided to quickly find a private place in which they could allow Satan's lust to overtake their every desires.

"And where did they go?" you so appropriately ask? "A storeroom? An empty office? That ladies restroom with the locking door?" No, friends, they went to the safest and least risky place in the entire north campus: the friggin' elevator.

Smilin' Jack quickly corralled up his papers into his backpack, stood up and held his thick "The Phase-Dependent Infrared Brightness of the Extrasolar Planet Andromeda B" textbook against the circus tent in his crotchal region, walking hand-in-hand with Dirty Diana to the elevator. They both looked around nervously as they pressed the "down" button, and then disappeared behind the closed doors...alone at last.

Instantly, Dirty Diana pressed the red "STOP" button, and the elevator screeched to a halt.

Without a word, she was on him.

The next thing Smilin' Jack knew, his pants and tidy whities were around his ankles and Dirty Diana was on her knees...attempting to make a mess.

Smilin' Jack slumped against the back wall.
Smilin' Jack dropped his backpack and book.
Smilin' Jack couldn't believe his good fortune.
Smilin' Jack couldn't wait to tell his friends.
Smilin' Jack suddenly realized that the doors were sliding open...and that there were half a dozen people standing at the entrance waiting to get on...

Dirty Diana, with her back to the doors, quickly turned on her knees with a half-ducking motion, stood up and was instantly gone.

Unfortunately, Smilin' Jack's brain was in a remote part of his body at that particular moment. He was...unable to compute this unexpected turn of events that quickly.

Which meant that Smilin' Jack was standing in the empty elevator with his underpants around his ankles, his hands against the back wall behind him...and his cream spritzer standing at full attention.

Four women and two men stood with mouths gaping in pure shock (and let's be fair to the ladies, because this is Smilin' Jack were talking about here: awe).

Of the possible sights that any of them were expecting to be met with upon the library's elevator doors opening, I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that NOT ONE  of them had, "nude man with raging hard on," in any scenario...

For the longest five seconds of his entire life (seriously, count out five seconds and imagine yourself in this predicament), Smilin' Jack's brain travelled upwards until it finally reached it's currently-preferred destination, at which point he calmly reached down, pulled up his pants, grabbed his backpack and exited the elevator - unobstructed (because you've never seen people who were waiting to get on an elevator part as quickly as the red sea to allow someone to get off quite like this before....).

So, with this in mind...did you watch Survivor last night?

Did you see Rob's exposed erection?

Perhaps the single greatest tribal council scheming and ensuing vote EVER. Truly incredible.

The initial posturing between Russell and Rob ("You'd better watch your back..." "And you'd better watch yours too...!"). Russell's idea to give Parvati the idol and target Tyson, Rob's henchman, in the deflected vote. Rob's ensuing strategy to pre-empt Russell's pre-emptive strategy by splitting the vote equally between Parvati and Russell in order to flush the idol out, causing a three-way tie, and then crushing whoever is left with the 2nd vote. Russell's declaration that the only way to get him would be to do exactly what Rob had considered, "It would be genius if they did that, GENIUS." Then, Russell pulling Tyson aside and telling him that he was voting for Parvati too, effectively planting the seed for Tyson to change his vote at the last minute, resulting in his own incredible demise.

If you didn't watch, this is all completely nonsensical. But it was like a chess game between raging hard-ons and elevator doors that open unexpectedly at any time. Wow.

And when the dust settles, Russell had saved Parvati and himself, and sent Tyson home in yet another example of Russell's incredible ability to not only stay alive, but in control.

Again, wow.

So you see, just like Smilin' Jack, Rob thought he had it all figured out. He was thinking a couple steps ahead...but he allowed himself to get comfortable at precisely the wrong moment. Rob, like Smilin' Jack, managed to escape fairly unscathed (although quite embarrassed...), but the real question is, has he learned from his mistake?

I'll tell you this: Smilin' Jack only uses the stairs these days...

Until next week,

PB