Episode 3: Assistant Coach

Being a "coach" brings so many images to mind...

But which of these images properly describes the Coach on Survivor...?

Yes, he hates all people everywhere equally.

Sure, his purpose on earth is to find fault with others and pick at those anomalies like infected scabs until the disease of self doubt becomes all-consuming and leads to their ultimate demise.

Of course, his self image is so distorted that he can't even remotely see that his Machiavellian pursuits consistently get sidetracked by (1) his short fuse, (2) his monstrous ego, and (3) the fact that he looks exactly like Geddy Lee, the lead singer from Rush.

= Separated at birth?

"Today's Tom Sawyer he gets high on you. And the space he invades he gets by on you!"

Immediately after returning from Charo's departure at the last Tribal Council, Coach's ire slowly begins to build as Erinn starts spinning a crazy tale about how she was only using Charo and really wasn't aligned with her to try to boot Coach out...

No less than three tribe members confide to the camera that their "intelligence" had been insulted, which immediately made me think, "What, haven't these people ever seen the CW network?"

But the more pressing question about insulting intelligences is, what the hell is that extra "n" doing on the end of Erinn's name? Were her parents obsessed with those grammar school alphabet charts showing both capital and lower case letters and somehow got a little confused...? Maybe her name is really spelled "EeRrIiNn"?

As I grapple with this conundrum, suddenly: a bombshell.

**GASP** The beans are giving Jerry gas.

Jerry - please. You're on Survivor, in the middle of the Amazon for god's sake, stop holding it in. There's no need to be polite in front of all these disgusting, unwashed, stinky people...

Unfortunately, sitting so close to the campfire, Jerry still remembers that day on the aircraft carrier when he let one fly...

Over at Jalapao, JT and his boyfriend Stephen are testing out the new fishing equipment. Unfortunately, nobody seems to understand the net strategy, and minnows are the only thing caught while big fish are evading their every tactic. JT is especially perplexed until he remembers a strategy back home of using smaller things (rats, roadkill, granny's goiters) to catch larger prey (skunks, possums, Bigfoot), and suddenly the minnow bait is catching a slew of fish.

At the reward challenge, Jalapao is a well oiled machine while Timbira is...our economy.

Typically, for challenges in which a designated "caller" for a group of blindfolded teammates tries to lead them through a maze, that caller is blamed for a loss. However, it's difficult to point the finger at Debbie for Timbira's loss when she screams at Brendan and Jerry, "GO LEFT! LEFT! LEFT! LEFT! LEFT!" and Bren&Jerry continue moving straight, right past the end of the maze as if they were just out taking a nice (blindfolded) stroll

Jeff, always revealing the simple truth, refuses to put lipstick on the Palin, "TIMBIRA'S REALLY BLOWING THIS CHALLENGE."

Another simple truth...

Coach is absolutely livid with the loss, releasing a Lennonesque primal yell (without any of Lennon's integrity, intelligence, artistry or Yoko-lust), and, back at camp, instructs his tribe not to go off in little groups to point blame at individuals. "It's the worst thing we can do!"

Point made, he immediately stomps off with Tyson to secretly dump all the blame on EeRrIiNn. Coach and Tyson bond - a little - over the all the vitriol, and Coach even decrees the "Assistant Coach" moniker on Tyson (who is clearly touched/amused/disgusted).

Other famous Assistants that Tyson can be proud to be associated with:

At the Immunity Challenge, Jalapao goes down again easily, and it appears to be between EeRrIiNn and Jerry's gas for who will be sent home next.

Over at Immunity Sand Dune, Brendan and Taj are back together again ("Love: exiting and new!") and get another clue for the hidden immunities. Back at camp, Brendan immediately finds the idol in a the first place that crosses his mind: the anus (of the tree mail statue). Needing to keep it secret, he stores the idol back in the place he found it for safekeeping (this time in a more...convenient...personal...portable anus).

Tyson and Coach unequivocally want EeRrIiNn gone; however, the rest of the tribe appear to want Jerry's non-flatulating idol storage device booted. Tyson's sole motivation is that he "...loves to see people cry when you crush their dreams."

How sweet.

We head to council on the fence...

And what a fantastic council it is! Probst, as always, having been fed the underlying dynamics of twisted control issues emanating from Coach, and completely stirs it up by asking Jerry and then EeRrIiNn who the leader is.

"Brendan," they both both reply without hesitation.

Coach is absolutely INCENSED.

"Who would you say is the leader?" Jeff asks him - a question every single Survivor in the past has always, always answered with, "NOT ME."

"Me," he quickly states.

Oh ye of the foreshadowing persuasion, how thou dost tempt us...

But, since it's between EeRrIiNn and Jerry, and since Jerry started the whole conversation off with his proclamation that Coach is not the leader, Jerry is next to go.

Next week: a welcome return to pixelation! (Let's hope...)

PB

Episode 2: The Charo Factor

The "brilliance" of the Love Boat was that no matter how much it sucked, which was an extraordinary amount, the writers consistently embraced the lowest common denominator at the precise nadir by predictably tossing in a coochie-coochie-ing Charo for one important reason: big boobs.

OK OK, really two reasons...

And god bless the Survivor producers for embracing the Charo Factor themselves when the story line starts getting bogged down from a lack of drama, inane mundaneness, and...too much clothing. 

For example...

imagine Isaac and Doc... 

They somehow manage to get in the middle of a difficult marital problem between young studmonster Greg Brady and the ultimate cougar: Mrs. Garrett from The Facts of Life. 

 +  = hot sex.

Greg and Mrs. G appear to have fallen out of love with each other (due to Mrs. G's sex addiction), and now out on the shimmering waters of the Pacific Ocean, Mrs. G has been more than receptive to the oh-so-subtle come-ons of fellow passenger JJ Walker. 

Intriguing concept? Without a doubt. 

However, it was Love Boat's execution that was always the problem, not the concept. So after a few bad jokes from Isaac while he mans the Fiesta Deck bar and Doc's unsuccessful, sexual innuendo-laden Rx's, you look at the clock and realize the show is winding down - hey, how are they going to tie this up in time?

Enter Charo's boobs.

"Coochie-coochie!"

...and suddenly, seemlessly, unselfishly, after a few jiggly, accented coochies, all is at peace with the world again. With five minutes left until Fantasy Island begins, Greg and Mrs. G are locked in a passionate, saliva-laden kiss on the Lido Deck while JJ winks knowingly and walks off with a harem of bikini-clad white chicks. 

Sigh. The world was truly a simpler, and more honest, place on the Love Boat.

But thankfully, Survivor has clearly learned from the masters. In an episode in which we spend the first ten minutes eating termites, trying to start a fire, and (still) digging for the hidden idol, I am nearly drifting off into...zzzzzzzzzzzzzz.

Then suddenly, unexpectedly, domineeringly: boobs.

The Charo Factor saves the day. Candace's life-buoys get everything re-centered, and the clouds part from my mind like a brilliant sunrise cresting between two gigantic, perfectly proportionate chocolate mountains. 

I am paying/at full attention again.

This is a quintessentially important tactic when the most interesting thing in the first half of the show is Taj's disclosure that she's married to some NFL player and Coach butters up future soccer recruiting classes by disclosing that it's his "job" to find faults in everyone. 

Boring. So bring on the immunity challenge: a wet, physical, nudity-laden event worthy of the most diligent CBS sensors. One by one bathing suits get ripped away and a unending stream of fuzzed-out privates sets 'em up and knocks 'em down: 

1. Candice (courtesy of a breeze)
2. Erinn (courtesy of Sandy)
3. Candice (courtesy of the rain)
4. Sierra (courtesy of Taj)
5. Candice (courtesy of forward momentum)
6. Tyson (courtesy of his buff loincloth)
7. Candice (courtesy of agitated protons)
8. Candice (courtesy of a jostled nucleus)
9. Candice... (courtesy of the power of thought)
   

Whew...I actually had to mop my brow and smoke a cigarette after that display...

Who would have thought that a painted on, rip-away blue bikini, six sizes too small for those overfilled, freezer-sized, saline zipock bags, could be so easily removed?

CBS.

Love...exciting and new...come aboard...we're expecting you!

Within all that pixelation, it's actually quite a phenomenal contest with the score tied 2-2 and a nail-biter for the winning basket. Taj (living up to her high school nickname "Mahal") takes the ball and, like a ruthless linebacker, plows down the field tossing her opponents to each side like roadkill carcasses. A few dramatic close misses interspersed with all that nudity...and Jalapao gets the final basket and the immunity idol. 

Things settle down again after the commercial break, and we are left with twenty minutes of slow maneuvering in which the Timbira tribe attempts to definitively set their pecking order for the first time prior to Tribal Council. 

Candace is pitching for Coach to get booted, and Erinn is on board. But penultimate cheerleader Debbie heads right to Coach to spill the beans and Coach is furious, changing his Sierra vote to "Cancer" Candace. Who will be able to get the rest of the tribe on their side?

At Exile Sand Dune, Brendan (who was sent there) and Taj Mahal (who Brendan chose to accompany him) are presented with a clue for another hidden immunity - or perhaps two: one at each camp. The two bond when Taj reveals that she hasn't connected with anyone else on her tribe and we are left to wonder if this connection will somehow play into the game sometime in the future as she rubs Brendan's arm and cuddles up next to him...

Love...won't hurt anymore...it's an open smile...on a friendly shore!

Meanwhile, at the winning Jalapao tribe, JT and Steven are out on a date, fishing...bonding...longing...sparks flying... "He's Tom Sawyer and I'm the angsty city boy," gushes Steven. "He's wooing me with his country ways...and I'm smitten!" 

The Love Boat...promises something for everyone! 

Set a course for adventure your mind on a new romance...

At Tribal Council, it appears to be between annoying, but integrally important Candace, and annoying, but integrally annoying Sierra. Sierra, with her droopy, half-closed, Drew Barrymoresque eyes and sullen complexion is either severely depressed...or strung out on heroin. Either way, we the viewers win. But in the end it's the Charo Factor who gets the ax - unanimously, no less.

That's two Charo Factors in a row booted: Carolina and Candace. That's a dangerous game to play, CBS. Who's going to pick up the Charo-slack now? 

Don't fret...have faith in CBS, and...

Welcome aboard it's LOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOVE!

Best of Both Worlds

Sorry for organizing this pool so late - as a result, we've only got 7 participants (Rod: your odds are better than ever before!). Here are the picks:

That means $105 for the winner and $35 for second place...

...And, for you girls who are still dreaming of peen - here's the best of both worlds...

PB

Episode 1: Early Assfuzz, Morman Peen & What's a Pace?

The Probst-buzz behind Season 18 has been that it's one of the best ever...and, perhaps surprising to non-Survivor addicts, this isn't something Probst dusts off and declares before the start of each new season.

"It's the most likable cast we've ever had," his dimply magnificence said in one of his videos, "...but Sandy, she's old, and unfortunately, she'll be voted off quick..."

Sandy is old. Fifty...nine..ty something. And a little psychotic. Which is always good for Survivor. And her unexpected bug-eyes only seem to sharpen the nervous discomfort I was already getting whenever she was on the screen. She's like a mix between Ruth Buzzi and Mr. Bug-Eye...

  +    

= We have a pretty good idea what the offspring would look like...

Within 60 seconds of getting booted off the Dragoman, Probst springs the first non-fuzz surprise of the season on the gang: vote out one person on each tribe. 

Brutal. But it's not a surprise that "old" and "weak" are the two perceived qualities that are quickly targeted. Sandy is a near unanimous selection, and from the Timbira tribe, waify, amorphous, sickly, stick-like, grating, stripy, fecund, troglodytish (but still kind of hot - let's be fair) Sierra is chosen. 

"I'M PISSED!" Psycho Sandy proclaims (a statement, and nickname, the students on her bus are used to hearing...and decreeing...).

"i have strep throat and i've had a 102 fever for the past two days and i'm barely coherent and if that's what you guys want to do then that's not really fair..." Sierra whines.

How Sierra perceives herself as she computes her predicament...

But relax ladies! It's just His Probstness twisting your nips: you're not booted, you've just been selected to be helicoptered directly to camp rather than walk all day in 120 degree heat. Let the hilarity begin!

And begin it does - in the shape of Stephen's boney, UNfuzzed ass - which is out there for the entire world to see after a mishap with some of the supplies. "A gift for the ladies back home," he smarmily recites to the cameras...

The ladies back home

Sandy is overwhelmed with emotion once at camp. She can barely keep it together as she alternates among weepiness, paranoia and vitriolic anger...but she does compose herself long enough to shake with glee upon finding a clue just for her. And - surprising even me - she even makes the correct decision between searching for an immunity idol and helping the tribe out by building a shelter: she looks out for #1 (literally - did you see that gigantic wet spot on her rear end?)... 

Meanwhile, Sierra finds the same note and reacts the exact way someone who is proactively seeking to redeem them self with their new tribe... "PFFFFFFT!!!" 

Did Courtney - the waify waitress from a Survivor China - suddenly get reincarnated?

By the time the tribes arrive, Sandy hasn't found squat and hasn't done shid, while Sierra has built an enormous house-of-cards shack...not quite sure which tactic will pay off in the end yet... 

At one point the next day, Sandy, under the guise of going #1, leaves to look out for #1, and finds the first clue. "It's under a stick," the clue proclaims, and as Sandy rushes to the single stick standing upright out of the empty, expansive beach, she begins weeping again - astounded at her uncanny ability to find the idol. 

However...it's only another clue: "Go ten paces toward the lone palm tree..." it tells her...

"What's a palm tree," she asks. "And...what's a pace?" 

               

Nope...not a pace

Loofah.

Now, in addition to the growing wet spot on her pants and a pink shirt that already is so soiled and grimy it looks like she's been living in the wild for 39 days, Sandy has no idea what a pace is. 

I suddenly realize: I'm going to love this season. 

My enlightenment is soon followed by the absolutely ironclad, glorious foreshadowing that promises a great season more than any other predilection: the first episode fuzz. Let's thank our resident waif for wearing a halter top pulled down to (barely) conceal her taint...inevitably leading to numerous pixelated assfuzz. 

You know, sometimes you just don't realize you're missing something in life until it just slaps you right in the face (or the corneas...as it may be).

OK, OK, technically, you girls get the first fuzz when Tyson gets all nuded up and goes swimming with the ladies. But c'mon, technically Mormon peen doesn't count. Check the rulebook.

After Timbira pulls away with a victory, Jalapao can't decide what to do...until Carolina can't keep her mouth shut five minutes after returning from the challenge.

And...booted.

That one hurts. Not just because it's a blindside. Not just because she grew up poor and homeless in Panama. And no, not just because she had a good attitude...or that she's totally hot and I picked her to win it all.

Well, maybe the last two. 

OK, maybe more the former...

"With every failure comes an opportunity for growth," Carolina states in defiance to her destiny. 

Carolina, unfortunately my growth opportunities just shrank into somber flaccidness. 

Until next time...

PB

Survivor Pool Picks Due

With only a few days remaining until the first episode, here are the guidelines for this year's pool:

1. Pick the 5 Survivors you think will last the longest.
2. Pick the 5 Survivors that will get booted off the quickest.
3. Pick 2 Survivors that you think will win the most individual immunities.
4. Pick 2 Survivors that will get the least amount of tribal votes.

The following points will be awarded:

1. 1,000 for first place, 750 for second, 500 for third, 300 for fourth, 200 for fifth.
2. 200 for each correct pick booted before the merge.
3. 500 for the correct pick.
4. 500 for the correct pick.

Please get your picks to me at grizd@tarantism.com by THIS WEDNESDAY NIGHT (2/11/09), then get me $20 ASAP (if you need my home address, drop me an email).

Payout:
1st place: 75% of pot
2nd place: 25% of pot

I'll post everyone's picks and the total amount in the pot after I get everything compiled.

Good luck - and remember that you have to actually sign up on either the blog or the facebook page in order to continue getting updates since I won't be sending out emails after this (you can have the site send you notices when a new post has been posted). Also, feel free to post your own updates or comments at any time.

PB